The First Month's Rent
by LoveTheCoat
Summary: Justin's journal, had he kept one, documenting his thoughts between episodes 3.07 and 3.08.


**One**.

It's over. Like a switch was flipped. Suddenly I saw everything so clearly. It still hurt, but in an almost detached way. Like it happened to someone else, or in a movie. The only thing that makes it real are the cuts on my hands from the rose thorns. That's how I know what happened was real. I suddenly saw Ethan so clearly and even as he begged me to stay with him and give him another chance I can honestly say there was nothing he could have done or said that would have enticed me stay. It ended in a moment of clarity and I feel so fucking stupid for ever believing him in the first place. Ashamed of myself. I am so ashamed. I came to the only safe place I have left. Daphne's. Thank God for her. Incredibly understanding when I called desperate for a place to crash. She didn't ask me any questions. I was glad because I couldn't answer anyway. Today needs to be over. Like right fucking now.

**Two.**

I kind of panicked after seeing Brian in the backroom at Babylon tonight. At the time it was hot. I stared at him while I fucked whoever the hell that guy was. I can't even remember his face – probably because I was imagining Brian in his place. Damn. When I was done, though, I freaked. What did Brian think when he saw me? Did he think anything? I mean, he stared at me as hard as I stared at him while that disgusting troll sucked his dick. But I realized too that I didn't want him to know about me and Ethan. Not yet. He already knows too much from seeing me at the diner earlier. Noticing my same clothes. Shit. I don't want him to know. He can't ever know! I don't want him to think he was right. I still believe love is possible and I can't let Brian's anti-love views get to me. I can't. It's just that now I know I have to be more careful about who I give my heart too, and that's almost the worst part of this whole thing. I lost something of myself with Ethan's lies. An innate trust I had in people. Maybe I was with Brian too long – I am so used to his brutal honesty that I expected when Ethan told me something that it was the truth. I didn't see anything beyond the fucking words I was being fed. God I'm so pathetic! Fuck. I need to sleep.

**Three.**

Ethan keeps trying to call me. I know it's him. Daphne never gets so many phone calls in one night. I'm just glad I no longer have a cell phone. Though he somehow managed to track down Daphne's number. I love her for not letting on to him that I'm here or that she even knows where I am but I think he knows anyway. Where the hell else would I be? My mother's? I can hear Daph telling him to leave me alone, to stop trying to find me. I'm glad. I feel like a fool and if I had to try and talk to him I'd probably start crying again like a little fucking faggot. FUCK! I hope this isn't how I made Brian feel. But I think it is. I hate myself. Shit, I still need to go get my stuff, too.

**Four.**

It's Monday. I have class. I don't want to go to school, though. I know Ethan will try to find me and I really do not want to see him. I wonder if I can hide out in one of the art labs...lock the door...work out my frustration with some paint and canvas. I can't skip so I guess I'll try. I'm also starting to wonder if I was looking for a reason to leave him. I mean, I don't deserve to be cheated on like that but still…was I really invested in that relationship after all?

**Five.**

No Ethan. Not yet anyway. Heather, a friend in my alternative materials class, told me a dark-haired guy with a violin stopped by before I got there, looking for me. I wish he would just stop. It's fascinating to me how differently I feel about him now, just a few days later. It's like that all happened to someone else, and I can't believe how stupid and naive I was. I get it now. God, do I get it! It's so fucking easy to proclaim love - words are cheap and in the end they really mean nothing. Never has that been so apparent to me then right now. I trusted every word Ethan said to me. Why? Because I wanted romance so badly? Because he gave me the attention I thought I deserved? Because he served me dark chocolate in bed? A bed that rested on wood pallets no less! Yet he was just one night away from me and he couldn't stop himself from fucking around. No. Screw that and screw him and screw anything he has to say. I definitely don't deserve to be treated like that.

**Six.**

Fuck. I saw Brian at the Diner earlier. The first time I've seen him since THAT NIGHT AT BABYLON. I didn't realize how much I still did not want to see him until boom, there he was walking in the door and I almost had a panic attack. I managed to avoid being seen by him, I think anyway. I told Deb I wanted to work shifts opposite his usual schedule and then I left. There must have been something in my expression when I asked because she didn't press me which is pretty unusual for Deb. She did give me a concerned look, a hug, and told me no problem. I think she suspects something but I just can't let anyone know about Ethan yet. Daphne is okay because she's my friend and would never say anything to anyone (after I threaten her with death that is!) – but I don't trust the others not to rip me apart – especially Michael. We may have a shaky truce for the sake of Rage at the moment but if he knew... God this sucks major ass. I can't let Brian see me though because he'd know. He'd see it on my face, I know it. He'd laugh in my face then tell me a big, fat, I TOLD YOU SO. And he'd be right. I don't even know why I ever left him for Ethan. I mean I know, but I don't know. God this is ALL SO FUCKED.

**Seven.**

It's been a week. I was starting to feel better than this morning Daphne asked me how long I planned to stay with her. She says she doesn't mind I'm there, but the way she asked was awkward. I guess I'll look around to see if I can find anywhere else to stay for cheap. I have no fucking money and no fucking friends. Fuck fuck fuck my life. Thankfully I was at least able to get my stuff from Ethan's place while he was at his class. He's far too obsessed with his music to ever skip, so I knew it'd be safe to go. I probably left so many little things behind but whatever. I got my computer, sketchpads, and other art supplies. I got my clothes, or most of them. That's all I really need. Though when I got back to Daphne's I realized that 90% of the drawings in my sketchpads are of Ethan. So I burned them. And it didn't hurt at all. So long, farewell, I do not miss you at all.

**Eight.**

Daph wants me to stay with her. She insists on it. I'm pretty sure she's worried I'll run back to Ethan (no fucking chance in hell) and she's making no effort to hide that she never liked him. It's funny to me, really. I would have thought she would have preferred me with Ethan. I mean, we were happy together for awhile and I know she saw that part of it. Then I have to remind myself that even though she's a girl she's not very romantic, not like me. She never was, she is kind of like a tamer, female version of Brian, but a lot less promiscuous. I also think she was slightly in love with Brian herself, and I can tell she's trying really hard not to ask me about him. I kind of wish she would ask me though. It's weird because I can't stop thinking about what he did for Ted, which leads me to list off EVERYTHING he ever fucking did for me – which was A LOT. Everything he ever did for anyone was because he cared. So did he love me? His actions might have indicated it and I went and spit in his face for it. I am such an asshole! I guess what they say is true, hindsight is 20/20. Shit. I think I am still in love with him after all. Or maybe I'm a glutton for punishment? I don't even know anymore.

**Nine**.

Narrowly avoided Brian again today. This time I saw him driving. Lucky for me he has probably the most identifiable car in all of Pittsburgh, so it was easy to duck into a storefront when I saw the silhouette of the 'vette on the horizon. It didn't escape my notice that my heart leapt in my chest and my stomach fluttered with nerves though. And when he passed by, sunglasses on…God he was as gorgeous as ever. So yeah. Definitely still in love with him. Fuck me and my pathetic life. I screwed everything up and even if I were brave enough to try and win him back why should he ever trust me again? Why would he ever even give me another thought? I hurt him. I know I did. And badly. I know him, and he doesn't give away what he gave to me easily – or ever. And I just took it and threw it in the garbage. He's probably still hurt. Untrusting. And it's all because of me. I lied and stomped on his heart. At the time it happened I knew it and afterwards I knew it and even when he was trying to help me by giving me that Carnivale poster commission I knew it. I feel sick over it and I think that's the most laughable part of this whole thing! Brian would never admit to anyone that I hurt him; I bet he hasn't even admitted it to himself. Yet everything he has said or done since that Rage party has had this extra layer of protection around it. He's pulled himself back further into that shell of protection – more even than when I first knew him. That's all because of me and no one can convince me otherwise.

**Ten**.

I saw my mom today. I had to tell her about Ethan. All of it. She adored him and I know she was hoping he and I would work out. A more age appropriate relationship as she'd said. But I'm learning that age is just a number and doesn't mean shit. And neither do words – I have to keep telling myself this. Words are cheap, actions mean more. I told her as much when she tried to offer an excuse for Ethan's actions. I guess even after divorcing a man who cheated on her, her default answer is to excuse away the cheat and forgive. But I can't do that. I won't do it and it felt fucking glorious when I said to her that its actions that mean the most and that even after the shit I pulled on him, Brian still helped me out; With school, with a commission – his actions spoke much louder than any of Ethan's empty words. Mom didn't know Brian was still paying for my school, funnily enough. I wonder how she thought I was paying for it? Oh well. I did have to beg her to keep her mouth shut, though. All I need is for her to blab to Deb and then everyone would know and I don't want anyone to know. And by anyone, I mean Brian. I know I can't keep it a secret forever but I like living in denial and not having to answer questions. I can tell she's wondering if I'll go back to him, or try too. Am I that transparent? And will I? I still don't know myself if I'm brave enough to even attempt it…

**Eleven**.

Shit. My life is crap right now. No money. No place to live. No boyfriend. I was with Ethan for nearly five months. I lived a life so completely opposite what I had lived with Brian and I was happy for most of it. Sure, I missed the opulence of Brian's place and the freedom of having money at my disposal. I've seen both ends of the spectrum but I'm slowly realizing that what I want is somewhere in the middle. Why is that so hard to find? A man who loves me openly, yet is brutally honest and unapologetic, great in bed, and won't make promises they refuse to keep. ARGH! I need to find something new to do because I'm sick of myself and my pity-party of one.

**Twelve**.

Had dinner at Mel and Lindsay's. Gus is the fucking cutest thing ever. And he looks so much like Brian I can't stand it. They didn't ask me about Ethan, or Brian, for which I am eternally happy! We talked art. And politics. It was nice to forget about my pathetic love life for a few hours. Well - except when I'd look across the table at Gus. He'd smile at me and I'd see Brian, or he'd quirk his eyebrow when we'd all burst out laughing and my heart would ache, or he'd level his eyes at me - eyes that matched Brian's exactly in both color and shape - and I'd be back in the loft with Brian. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is not going to be easy, but do I even want it to be? At least, missing Brian, I know I'm alive. The pain I feel for what I did to him is better than the anger and embarrassment of thinking about Ethan…

**Thirteen**.

Met with Michael about Rage today. It felt strange to me and I got the sense he could tell something wasn't right. As a result we got nothing done. I am still angry at him for telling Brian about me and Ethan, and it's obvious he still judges me for what I did to Brian. Which I can't blame him for that but fuck, how are we supposed to work together like this? Maybe I'm imagining things because I'm so paranoid about people finding out. I don't know. All I know is that after finally getting to a place where we can work together again we seem to have regressed suddenly. I can't tell him what happened either, because he'd probably laugh in my face and then run off and tell Brian. Shit. What a waste of an afternoon.

**Fourteen**.

He finally cornered me. Ethan. I actually haven't really thought about him much at all in the last several days, I mean other than with regret because I left Brian for him, and I told him as much. I have to wonder now how much in love with him I actually was - or rather how much in love with the IDEA of him I was. Whatever. It doesn't matter because I don't want him back. I told him that, too. And he cried and begged forgiveness. He pleaded with me to give him another chance. It was surprisingly easy to say no. Maybe my heart is still broken and I just can't feel anything because I've become numb to the pain, but I sincerely doubt it. Not when the thought of Brian makes me short of breath and my fingers and toes tingle. Now I do think I was anxious to get away from him. While it was romantic and sweet, I was also bored. As much as I hated Brian's insistence that we go out every night I found myself missing going out. There has to be a happy medium! Ugh. As for Ethan – you're history. I am, as of right now, putting you out of my mind forever. Goodbye.

**Fifteen**.

More of the fucking same. School. Thinking about Brian. Work. I love Daphne, but I miss the gang! I think I'll call Lindsay and see if I can come over for another dinner. Maybe I can get their advice… Though I already know what Mel would say so maybe I won't ask for their advice after all. God I want to go out! I'm feeling horny as shit but I don't want anyone but Brian.

**Sixteen**.

I'm so tired all the time. Working the overnight shift at the diner sucks. The tips are terrible and the customers are all half-drunk or high, bitchy, queens. Maybe I'll ask Deb if I can have some time off. I have exams coming up, some big projects to work on and a little money saved…I could use the rest.

**Seventeen**.

No more work for awhile! Deb was understanding and though I could tell she really wanted to ask me what was going on, she didn't. I'm glad for that. She can be so damn nosy and I didn't want to lie or rudely tell her to mind her own business. Daphne said I could stay til the end of the month rent free, but after that I'd have to start paying half the rent. I'm grateful to have her, and I'm so grateful she will let me live with her because I don't know what else I would do. My life has completely fallen apart at the seams and I don't have a fucking clue how to fix it.

**Eighteen**.

My mom wants me to move back home! It's laughable, really. I just can't. I can't go backwards – and I know if I moved home she'd want me to follow the old rules, have a curfew and shit. Plus there's Molly. I love my little sister but I don't feel comfortable being myself around her. She's still impressionable and I know she'd tell my dad everything about me if he asked. I shouldn't fucking care about him and what he thinks but damnit I still do! No. Sorry mom, I love you but I can't go back home. No matter how tough things may get I have to do this on my own.

**Nineteen**.

I saw in 'Out Pittsburgh' that Ethan is putting on a solo concert at the small venue near PIFA. I'm not sure if I feel anything about it. I mean, he is talented and I guess he deserves success on that level. I really want to talk to Daphne about all this. About Brian, and about my yearning for him. But something keeps me from opening up to her, to anyone. I think I'm afraid that if I speak the desire out loud suddenly it'll disappear. Maybe everyone will laugh at me and judge me for being such a twat in the first place. I had Brian and left him, now I want him back again? Everyone would think I am a total loser. I know it. Probably not Daphne but the fear is still there.

**Twenty**.

I ran into Melanie today. She asked me about Ethan and when I couldn't answer her right away she figured it out. I begged her not to tell anyone and she promised. At least it was her and not Lindsay. I would be worried Lindsay would tell Brian – they are best friends after all. But with Melanie there's no chance of that. She was sorry but I told her not to be and then I told her what he'd done. She was sufficiently angry on my behalf and it made me feel validated. I think she wondered about Brian, but she didn't ask me anything about him. I promised to come over for dinner again soon. I am lucky to have such good friends even if I've avoided most of them for the last many, many months.

**Twenty-one**.

Daphne had a party at her place tonight. It was small, only about fifteen people, but they were all straight and it felt strange. They drank beer, played cards, did some dancing, and teased this one guy about his apparently imaginary girlfriend. Seems no one has met the girl. Quickly the teasing turned to making fun of him for being a closet gay and any relief I'd been feeling from my situation evaporated in the face of their awful, cruel comments. I guess none of Daph's friends know I'm gay or if they did they didn't think what they were saying was anything bad but still. It was so horribly uncomfortable and I retreated to Daph's room soon thereafter and watched Yellow Submarine for some distraction. She apologized to me later for what they'd said – and she told me she'd properly admonished them, too. Whatever. Sometimes I can understand Brian's hetero-phobia.

**Twenty**-**two**.

I'm feeling even more depressed than usual and I'm not sure why. Well, that's not true. I know why. I know part of it is money, and part of it is school, but the biggest part of it is HIM. I cannot stop thinking about Brian, still! I keep remembering how happy I was with him, up to when Michael and I started writing Rage, right before I met Ethan. I was living with him, and we had reached an understanding, and we were having fun! I _was_ happy, I know it. I remember it and I know my memories aren't a lie. But now it's all so dark. It's been tainted by what came afterwards. I think the problem was there from the start, though. When, after the bashing, Brian was kind of forced, reluctantly, to take me. Not that he didn't want too because Lord knows no one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do...yet by the time my birthday rolled around I could sense Brian was antsy. Anxious. Not exactly happy I was there all the time. Then I tried to mold him into some image of what I thought I wanted him to be – which now I know, I don't want him to be anything other than what he is. And Brian won't change for anyone but himself - I know that now, too. I tried many times to force him to change and failed at each attempt. Another lesson finally learned by "Sunshine"; don't try to make Brian change or he'll go so far in the other direction you won't recognize him.

**Twenty**-**Three**.

I went to Liberty Avenue tonight. I've missed going to Woody's, and I've missed dancing at Babylon. I've missed seeing the guys. I don't even know what's going on with everyone! I feel so disconnected. But tonight, I retraced the steps I took the night I first met Brian. I think I was hoping I'd see him again, like the first night, and suddenly things would be as they were. Which is stupid. Like we could ever go back! Like Brian would ever go back. I did see him, though. Outside Woody's. I was across the street and thankfully hidden behind a group of guys all waiting for the signal to change on the crosswalk. But I saw him. He came down the stairs, looking so damn hot in a leather jacket and black jeans. His swagger so recognizable. He lit up a cigarette before he glanced down the sidewalk in either direction. I watched his movements, his mannerisms. They were so familiar. I could see he was feeling anxious – probably looking for a trick. He had the hunt on his mind, I could see from where I was. It made me sad, and also made me really think about what I wanted. I've been telling myself for weeks now that I still loved Brian, and that I wanted him back – but things weren't going to change. He'd still be tricking, and he'd still not tell me he loved me. Even though he probably did – maybe still does? Who knows. The question is can I accept that things won't be any different than they were before? If I know the rules can I still abide by them? Will I suddenly, in a few months, find myself restless again and wishing for declarations of love and monogamy from him? I don't know. I really don't. And can I even try to get Brian back if I can't accept what little he is willing to offer? I can't make him give me more and I don't want to hurt him again by leaving when, or if, I feel frustration again. Shit. Love shouldn't be so hard. Right?

**Twenty**-**four**.

Tonight Daphne watched a few movies and chatted. It was nice. Moulin Rouge (Ewan McGregor is so SEXY!)! It was a pleasant distraction I guess. I am getting tired of feeling like this, though. I can't do it for much longer or I might lose my mind.

**Twenty**-**five**.

Still pining away. When I'm not at school, or doing homework, I'm sitting around at Daphne's listening to depressing music and imagining all sorts of reunion scenes between Brian and me. None of them will ever come true, though. It's Brian for fuck's sake. Like he would ever be a part of some grand reunion scene. It really is so grotesque – this situation. I also saw the new ad Brian did for Stockwell on the television tonight, which put a bad taste in my mouth. I get Brian's "it's business" attitude, but I also don't get it. It's just too bad he won't draw the line at working for that homophobic asshole.

**Twenty**-**six**.

I met my mom for lunch today. She was showing some properties near PIFA, so we met up. To her credit she didn't ask me about my love life, or lack thereof. I am afraid of what she'll say if or when she finds out I want Brian back. She filled me on Molly, and a little bit about my dad - unrequested information. I didn't want to know and I still don't. I let her know she should just refrain from telling me anything about him. As painful as it still is, I don't want to think about him anymore. He's proven to me he cannot change, and is unwilling to change and he simply won't accept me. My life is complicated enough without adding more troubles to my life.

**Twenty**-**seven**.

I simply cannot stop thinking about him and last night I dreamt about him again. This time we were levitating, fucking midair. I can't take it anymore, and I know Daphne is growing tired of my moping around. What I know is I have to get him back, or die trying because without Brian, I feel like I'm dying anyway.

* * *

_Author's notes: While I love Brian and Justin as a couple – the motivation for Justin suddenly wanting to go back to Brian after breaking up with Ethan are not that clear. Especially when you consider all the reasons he left Brian still existed, and that nothing was all that different between them when they got back together. Obviously Justin grew up during the month or so that he was "single" and he seemed to learn some things about himself and relationships while he was with Ethan, but what made him realize that what Brian gave him was "a thousand, a million times better than what Ethan had to offer?" I tried to find it, to dissect what might have gone through Justin's mind and I hope I did it any justice at all. Please let me know if you agree or not with what I did – or if you have other ideas about why Justin went back to Brian then let me know! Thanks for reading!_


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